Kijana Page 25

  When the bright sunlight woke me the next morning, the last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed. I was hungover and unsure of Josh’s fate. I was relieved to find him in the front cabin sound asleep. He didn’t rise until after lunch, which was incredibly late for the man we’d dubbed Mr Earlybird.

  He immediately apologised for the mess of the previous night. I said I was sorry for taking the dinghy key, but he didn’t remember anything about that. In fact, he didn’t remember much of anything, other than the fact that he had ‘regrets’, so nothing further was said about the episode. But I knew it was all about Maya. As much as he tried to hide his feelings for my sake, having Maya aboard was having a bigger effect than I ever imagined.

  The three of us spent the rest of the day doing everything in our power to ignore the previous night’s events as we pottered around the boat, cleaned, checked emails and went ashore to look at the shops. Two emails arrived that day. The first was from Beau informing us he was returning to the boat early. There was no explanation, just a note to say he’d catch a ride on a ferry and be back aboard Kijana the next day.

  The second was from the office. They’d seen the pictures we’d sent back of our river mishap, and demanded to know how we’d managed to get Kijana grounded.

  They also ‘advised’ us that it would be best if the images weren’t put on the website or given to any media. It was outright censorship. I believed we needed to show as much of our mishaps and adventures as possible for people to see the dangers we faced. I knew that would be the sort of adventure I’d follow. But I didn’t have the energy to object. It was the same story, the same one since hitting the reef and the reason why Maya was only here for a ‘holiday’. I knew what their answer would be, so it simply wasn’t worth it. I no longer felt I had a say in how the trip was run.

  Beau arrived the following day, and I was never so glad to see him. It was a reminder of how much I was going to miss him when he left permanently. The meditation course had been intense, he told us, too intense for his liking. After four days of not being allowed to look any of his fellow meditators in the face, he’d decided to hightail it and return to the relative calm of Kijana. He told us that he’d realised he needed more training before tackling such a full-on course.

  I didn’t have the heart to tell him that things had been pretty intense on board in his absence. In fact, he never found out, but he arrived back to an extremely subdued crew and must have figured something was going down.

  We weighed anchor to sail the short 20-minute trip to The Beach. As we approached the beautiful island of Phi Phi Lae, the mood was heavy. Josh was still consumed by his worries about his relationship with me, and Beau was obviously affected by his Buddhism experience. I had my own concerns. I was increasingly worried about Maya. She’d been with us for just over a week and I feared that I would start to view her in the same light as Mika and Nicolette, with her seasickness and gentle ways on board. However, instead of shutting her out, as I had with the Mika and Nicolette, I was forced to face the problem because, ultimately, she meant as much to me as the trip.

  The softness of her touch, the very thing I loved about her, was obviously not suited to my style of adventure. I was scared at the thought of her being on board. If I’d caused so much heartache and pain for Mika and Nicolette, then it wasn’t beyond me to do the same to Maya. The harshness of what we were doing called for adventurers, not passengers.

  The past week had slowly made me realise that I couldn’t spend my life searching for lost tribes or beautiful beaches if I wanted to be in love. It would have to be one or the other.

  And then there was Josh. I’d envisaged exploring the world with Josh for at least the next two years. Now I seriously questioned how that was going to work. We’d developed not only into best friends, a term I hadn’t understood until meeting him, but I relied so much on him. I couldn’t physically continue with Kijana if he wasn’t by my side.

  We passed through the cliffs guarding Maya Bay and were suddenly faced with our dream – The Beach.

  We’d finally arrived in paradise, yet it didn’t feel like it. The beauty of the bay seemed to intensify the depression we’d sunken into.

  I had done everything in my power to get us to that point of the journey, even things I felt pretty ashamed of, believing everything would be OK once we arrived. For instance, I hadn’t stuck up for Maya and demanded she join us earlier. She was forced to find out through the newspapers of a ‘mystery blonde’ joining us in Darwin, while she sat at home wondering what the hell was going on. I didn’t have the guts to be straight with Mika and Nicolette because the office needed time to think. I’d ignored Beau’s pleas for the trip to be undertaken for the right reasons.

  Maya Bay was a massive disappointment. There must have been a dozen dive boats and twice as many Thai longboats pulled up on the shore, with the beach covered in sunbaking tourists – once more, it was not how I’d hoped and imagined it would be.

  I felt disorientated. I knew we were at paradise but as I stood on the shore the magic of what I expected to feel was missing.

  We spent the day exploring the beach until, as the sun made its journey towards the horizon, the last boat motored back to the bright lights of Phi Phi Don, leaving the beach empty. We lit a fire on the sand, as we’d dreamt of doing for so long, and began our attempt at creating the vision that had burnt so strongly in all of us. But no matter how hard we tried, we were on a hiding to nothing. The warm light flickering from the flames did nothing to lift our spirits.

  Beau suddenly demanded to know why everyone was in such a heavy mood. I didn’t really want to start unloading all the shit in my head, and I didn’t want to dredge up the Josh incident of the previous day. So I offered the lame excuse that we were sad that Maya only had a couple of days left before her time was up.

  All that succeeded in doing was sending Beau into orbit. He unleashed a torrent of abuse at me. Everything came out. Being forced to hide his smokes, every decision influenced by the office, the constant gloom because Maya wasn’t allowed to join us. He nearly exploded at me.

  ‘It’s your trip more than anyone’s. It fucking pisses me off. You talk about all this stuff . . . you know – about living your dream – you’re full of shit! When you first told me about this trip I thought it was brilliant, ’cos we were doing it our way. I don’t believe you anymore. You’re in love but you won’t stand up for her. You’re a fucking wimp ...’

  His words cut deep and I could see the look of horror on Maya’s face. But I should have expected it. Just as I could rely on Beau on the boat, I could also rely on him to force me to face anything too awkward and confronting.

  He continued his tirade: ‘... and we’re meant to be filming everything, why don’t we film this, it’s been the fucking real trip . . . but no one will ever know ...’

  Josh immediately fired back.

  ‘Beau, the reason you are here is because there’s an office back home working their arses off so we can all be here – they don’t get paid unless we make the docos to sell. We have to do what they want sometimes because they’re the reason we’re out here. If you want me to film you being a drunken dickhead I’ll do it, but that won’t get our docos sold, OK!’

  It was an argument that had been presented to Beau many months earlier, yet he still found it hard to accept. To him, having to set up shots for the camera made things fake and betrayed the true meaning of the trip, especially when we asked him to repeat an action. It went against everything he was aiming for on a spiritual level.

  Beau was livid, this time with Josh.

  ‘See that’s what I mean, out of everything we’ve done, why not film this. It’s probably the most important discussion we’ll have.’

  ‘We’re out of tape,’ Josh replied. I knew we weren’t, for we had plenty of tape, but Josh wanted to get Beau off his case.

  I jumped back into the fray in an attempt to calm things. ‘Beau, I know what you’re saying but you’ve said it ove
r and over. I get the point . . . You can stop, OK. If you don’t want to act out something for the sake of capturing our experiences, then don’t. But understand that Josh and I have to! We can’t always be as “real” as you!’

  I knew as soon as the words came out of my mouth that it was a mean thing to say, but he was bringing up more problems than I was willing to face.

  ‘That’s it,’ he declared, ‘I’m going, I’m leaving as soon as we get back to Phuket. This trip is fucked.’

  I knew he meant it and I knew he was right. Kijana had a lot of problems, not just the obvious financial ones, and they were only beginning to surface. I was mostly to blame that it had come to this, for throughout the trip I’d run away from our problems. When something came up, instead of confronting it, I’d let it fester. My problem was that I was always in the middle. I couldn’t please everyone. Taking one side meant opposing another, as I’d just shown by ridiculing Beau. The thing I wanted the most – peace and harmony – appeared to be impossible to attain.

  We solemnly tossed sand on the fire and headed back in the dinghy to Kijana, heading straight to our cabins without so much as a whisper. Maya seemed too shocked to offer me any solace. It was the worst night of my life, far worse than any of the early nights on the trip. Everything that made up my world felt damaged, and I felt paralysed by what had happened.

  The tourists returned early the next morning aboard the first longboats, crawling and sprawling over our broken dream. I didn’t care – they could have The Beach. I wanted to get away from Maya Bay as fast as we could to leave our awful experience behind, so we set sail without setting foot on her shores again. Anyway, Maya had to return to Phuket to catch her flight the following day, with Beau intending to go through with his threat and leave soon after.

  Josh untied Kijana’s mooring line from the buoy while I started the motor and pointed the bow towards Phuket. It was an awful trip, with no one speaking unless absolutely necessary.

  By the time we arrived in Phuket we were back on talking terms, but it was strictly a logistical conversation – where to anchor, the time of Maya’s flight and where Beau should call the office to tell them of his decision to suddenly leave.

  That night Beau and Josh wandered off separately to get dinner at one of the many food stalls on the island, while Maya and I wanted to make the most of our time together, spending it in the comfort of a hotel on the other side of the island. As we sat down to dinner, she wanted to know what was going to happen. I assured her it would work itself out.

  ‘But how?’ she asked.

  ‘I don’t know, it just will, OK. Trust me!’

  She continued to push but I had no more answers. I became agitated by her questioning until I eventually snapped at her. She burst into tears and stormed off down the street, which made me feel even worse. When faced with tears by Mika and Nicolette I’d never known what to do, except be annoyed. But Maya’s tears affected me differently. I followed her out of the restaurant in utter distress. In my head I knew she was being an annoying emotional girl, but, unlike with Mika and Nicolette, this time I cared.

  Back in the hotel room I apologised for making our final night together so miserable. I still couldn’t answer her questions about how I was going to solve the trip’s problems, but once we kissed I at least felt better.

  The following morning we returned to Kijana to collect Maya’s bags, then Josh, Maya and I grabbed a taxi to Phuket airport, leaving Beau to pack his bags for his flight home the following day.

  When it came time for her to board the plane, Maya and I shared our last few moments together. She tried to hide her tears, while I wished mine would come. But they remained locked away by some biological survival system, switched on while I maintained my air of being the unaffected leader of Kijana.

  As she walked through the security gates, Josh yelled to Maya at the top of his voice: ‘Your genital herpes cream is at the bottom of the small backpack. Make sure you apply it during the flight.’ She broke into a smile, which broke my heart, then disappeared onto the plane.

  Beau had packed by the time Josh and I got back to Kijana. I held no grudge against him, for I knew he needed to go. The compromises made to be on Kijana were too much for him and I was proud he’d taken a stand for something he believed in.

  The office hadn’t said much when he’d told them he was leaving, but I knew the departure of yet another crew member was killing any chance of selling our documentaries. Their immediate concern was that Josh and I find new crew as soon as possible – a concept a million miles from my mind.

  Our last night as a trio would have been too uncomfortable and confronting for us to spend together, so we accepted an invitation to join a group of yachties at a barbecue on the beach. We ate dinner, then mingled with our dining companions. Most of them were older than us – tanned women with short hair and wrinkles and husbands cradling a beer and chatting about self-steering systems. It was interesting conversation but not what I was seeking. Chatting about our next port of call seemed too surreal, and explaining that Beau was heading home in the morning even more so.

  One of the Australian couples was being visited by their son, Jake, and daughter, Mandy, who were both around our age, so we spent most of the time sitting with them. When it got dark and the mosquitoes started to bite, the oldies headed to bed, so the five of us decided to make a night of it. Jake wanted to hit the nightclubs of Patong, while Mandy came along to keep an eye on her younger brother.

  We hailed a passing passenger truck heading for Patong Beach, the well-known sleazy area of Phuket, with its night markets, strip shows and restaurants. We climbed onto the luggage racks on the roof without the driver seeming to care. The refreshing evening air blasted through our hair as we climbed the hills and passed the beaches lining the coast. It was a moment of pure freedom as I watched the landscape pass us by.

  Looking around at Beau and Josh, I reflected on the times we’d shared the same feeling. Like the relief of making it off the reef, having pulled through together. It had been a spiritual experience and no one else could understand that feeling other than those who had been there. Or the adrenaline of shooting a wild pig, then the sudden guilt at what we’d done; our joint frustration at the girls; whacking the river stones in Borneo and the solitary nights on watch knowing the rest of the crew were safely asleep under one person’s command. These were the real moments of paradise – things we’d shared together, not places we’d sailed to.

  My thoughts were interrupted when the driver stopped on the main strip of Patong, signalling for us to jump off. We joined the hordes of tourists, families, backpackers and Thai hustlers on the crowded footpaths.

  After we’d wandered into an open-air bar, Jake asked about our adventures, so we happily recounted tales of places we’d visited and things we’d seen. Jake and Mandy stared wide-eyed at our recollections, obviously envious of what sounded like the ultimate adventure. Not surprisingly, Mandy asked why Beau was leaving. I shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to go into it, preferring to leave it to Beau to explain. He struggled to put his reasons into words and began to get frustrated. Mandy and Jake looked on as Beau worked himself into an angry state as he told them about ‘fakeness’ and Maya. I stayed out of it. If Beau wanted to bring it up, then he could deal with it himself. Josh cut in, telling Beau he was starting to rant and rave.

  ‘We just want to have a fun night,’ Josh said. I agreed. We’d been through all this before, and all I felt like doing was having one last memorable night together.

  ‘Just give it a rest, OK Beau,’ I said in a pissed-off tone.

  But he wouldn’t, turning his attention to me and continuing where he left off from at The Beach.

  ‘I thought this trip was about being honest . . . ’ I said nothing in response, so he continued.

  ‘Do you love Maya or not? Why don’t you stand up for what you want?’

  I could feel Josh’s rising anger and glanced at our new friends, Mandy and Jake, embarrass
ed by what they were witnessing.

  I turned and began to walk away, but Beau ran and grabbed me in a bear hug.

  ‘Answer the question!’ he yelled.

  ‘Get off me,’ I said, as I prised his arms apart and attempted to walk off again.

  I’d taken three steps when I felt a blow to the right side of my face. I turned around in time to register it was Beau, just before his second punch connected with my cheek.

  Never in my life had I been punched, and never in my wildest dreams did I expect the first punch would be thrown by Beau.

  ‘What the fuck do you want?’ I screamed like never before. It came from the bottom of my lungs, its primal twang seemingly sobering up every partygoer within 50 metres.

  Before he could answer, two security men interrupted, asking us to leave the bar area.

  ‘I just want to talk to him,’ Beau tried to explain as they looked to me with a puzzled expression. It hadn’t looked like much of a conversation so far.

  ‘OK, we’ll go outside,’ I said to them, trying to maintain some composure.

  We found a wall to sit against and I prepared for a God-almighty argument. I was going to give it to him, cut him down to size, tell him what a little shit he was and how he was as much to blame for Kijana’s problems as anyone. But Beau had run out of steam. He couldn’t put a sentence together, let alone an argument. Instead, he began to sob, gasping for breath as if he’d been thrust under a cold shower.

  The only way to describe it was that something inside him had broken. All that anger, confusion and disappointment – it had exploded inside him and here was the result. Any aggression I felt towards him disappeared in an instant. He was no longer a crazed boxing Buddhist who I should be afraid of, but just a confused boy who needed someone to share his troubles with.